Supporting Infants And Young Children Around DEATH, GRIEF, AND LOSS

Before the death/loss

Having a safe, stable, and supportive relationship serves as a protective factor for children who are later impacted by death, grief, or loss.

At intake, ask parents about children’s experiences including experiences of grief and loss. If the child has recently experienced loss, ask how the family explained the loss to the child and about any rituals or spiritual beliefs that would be helpful for you to know. Let parents know that you want to stay updated on important events in the child’s life and that if the family experiences any loss or other life changes (e.g. moves or separations), you would like to be able to support them.

What childcare providers might say or do:

  • At intake, you ask all parents about children’s experiences, including those related to death, because you know that grief might impact a child’s behavior and that issues related to death often come up in your classroom, most commonly when a child’s family member or pet has died. You say to the parent of a 3 ½-year-old girl, “One of the things that’s important to me in enrolling your child is to really understand your child. The more I know, the better I’m able to meet her needs.” ——————— You further explain, “Sometimes children talk to each other about things like a going to a funeral or saying someone is in heaven. Since these are such personal topics, parents are sometimes surprised when their children come home and talk about what their friends say. Is there anything that you would like me to know about your family’s spiritual or religious beliefs?”*

After the death/loss

It is important to talk to children even before they understand the words. Talk about what is going on around them. In times of grief, assure them you and other adults are there to care for them and keep them safe.  

  • Be honest.

  • Use simple language that is appropriate for the children’s ages.

  • Let children know what is happening next.

Pay attention to what you say to other adults even when you don’t think children are listening.

Infants and young children will share their thoughts and feelings through behavior, emotions, play, and, when they are able, language. Watch and listen closely. Expect that some children will show emotion and behavior dysregulation. Be available to provide support.

Remember that it is ok, and even helpful, to talk about what happened. When children hear adults talking about experiences and feelings, they know they can too.

Notice times when children are reminded of the death/loss. It is not always possible to know, but common reminders include people with the same role as or who looks like the person that died (for example, a grandmother who comes to pick another child up when another child’s grandmother recently died), feelings of sadness, seeing other people upset or crying, or times when someone is late to pick them up.

What childcare providers might say or do:

  • (for an infant). Rachel has been crying all day; she stops and reaches out when Becky, the office manager, comes in. You say to Becky, “I think you remind Rachel of her mom. Y’all have the same long, brown hair. If you have a minute and want to hold Rachel, that would be ok.” You say to Rachel, “You miss your mama so much.”*

  • (for young children) You find out a child in your 4-year-old classroom was in a car accident and died. You are shocked. You can’t imagine your center without this bright, active child who seemed to carry joy and laughter wherever she went. You decide to consult with a parent at your center who is also a child therapist. She offers the following advice about talking to children about death.

  • Use simple and honest words to explain what happened. 

  • It is ok, and even helpful, to use the world death. Children do not understand words like “passed away,” “gone,” “lost,” or “resting in peace.” Using these words can be confusing for children because they have a hard time understanding the permanency of death.

  • It is helpful to explain that the person’s body stopped working and that the person can no longer talk, move, eat, breathe, or play.

  • When someone dies from illness, it is important to let children know that while some people die from serious illness, most of the time when people get sick, they get better.

  • It is ok to let children know that you are sad.

  • Let children know that it is ok to feel sad and also to continue to play and have happy times.

  • As much as possible, keep regular structure and routines while expecting that children may need extra attention and reassurance.

  • Communicate with children’s parents/caregivers. Listen to parents’ concerns and share any concerns you have. Work together to find ways to best support the child.

*Note: These are examples. Use your own words and describe your own plan.

Death, Grief, and Loss Resources for Childcare Providers

Death, Grief, and Loss Resources to Share with Families

Death, Grief and Loss Resources to Share with Children 

Review the resources with parents prior to sharing them with children.

• Sesame Street Helping Kids Grieve: https://sesamestreetincommunities.org/topics/grief/